Pendragons Princess

From The Arizona Daily Star, January 22, 2006

http://www.azstarnet.com/sn/printDS/112250

Advice by Carolyn Hax

Dear Carolyn:

I have a group of seven girlfriends who get together about once a month. The topic of children and parenting frequently dominates the conversation, which can annoy the three child-free women. One of them, “Sarah,” has been trying to get pregnant for about two years without success . . . but not every-one knows that, and she doesn’t want everyone to know that.

I’ve talked to a couple of the other mothers and their attitude seems to be, “I have children, so of course I’m going to talk about children, so they need to get over it.”

I make efforts to keep the kid conversation short or change the subject, but even if it comes up for a few minutes, I can see Sarah shrink from the conversation. I’m left feeling really uncomfortable. Should I be?
— Mom

Carolyn responds:

Of course. Your friend is in pain, and you’re forced to watch while others unwittingly make her pain worse. But that doesn’t mean you can or should even try to change anything. Four friends all in one room and all in some active stage of motherhood are going to talk about kids; it could be that you’re particularly sensitive to the volume of kid talk because of Sarah’s situation.

As long as the mothers are mindful of including others and willing to change the subject, there’s nothing wrong with discussing kids “for a few minutes” — just as four of you who have seen the same movie will also want to discuss it, and should feel free to, as long as you don’t let your discussion dominate the evening.

If you’re right, however, that the other three moms dominate the conversation, then they’re being rude. But Sarah’s fertility problem doesn’t change either scenario. It’s just common courtesy neither to banish nor beat to death any one topic of conversation.

If everyone knew of her struggle, then certainly some regard for her feelings would be expected — again, to keep the kid talk moving along, not to stifle it. One person’s pain does not bring all other lives to a halt.

By choosing both to keep her situation private and to keep coming back, Sarah herself has shown that she appreciates this — and, more important, appreciates these friends and these gatherings.

Her choices, however, might also keep her from saying the one thing you (and anyone else) can and should say when needed: “Aaaagh, enough about kids!”

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Carolyn gives some good advice here. Sarah’s want for a child and not being able to have one that easily can also be a benefit to the childfree women in the group in that if she speaks up along with the childfree women about not wanting to hear about everyone else’s children, maybe the childed women will direct their attention to other subjects of discussion. Childfree politics does make strange bedfellows.