Pendragons Princess

This conversation may very well take place in the city where I live.

The scenario:

I am in the house of an acquaintance and observe the immediate surroundings: a kitchen with dirty dishes piled in the sink, packages of food left out on the counter, grease spots and stains covering the stove, and crumbs on the floor. The woman I am speaking with has a total of three children, none of who pick up after themselves. They are, by name and age: Sally, 8 years old; Ricky, 7 years old; and Bobby, 6 years old. Yes, Irish triplets they are. I only met the children once and they were polite enough, but it is by looking at their mother I can tell what kind of influence they have on her. The mother, Joan, is twenty-four years old but you would never be able to tell by her appearance. Joan looks constantly tired, worn out, gets nervous easily, and sleeps a lot when she can. Right now, the children are in school. It is ten o’clock in the morning and I accept the cup of hot coffee she just prepared for us. Joan used to take coffee with cream and sugar, now she just takes it black without sugar. Joan is wearing cutoffs and a tank top, with her hair pulled back into a ponytail. Her husband Richard is at work where he is a patent lawyer. Our conversation:

Me: Are you sure you don’t need any help with household duties? Maybe you can hire a part time housekeeper.

Joan: I would love to but Richard says we cannot afford it. Not with three children to feed.

Me: But the older kids do their chores, don’t they?

Joan: No, not always. Sometimes they do. It is so hard to coerce them into doing what they are supposed to.

Me: What about the reward system?

Joan: You are kidding, right? That worked only once with Sally then that was it.

Me: It doesn’t sound like you have them well trained at all. More likely that they have you well trained.

Joan: What does that mean?

Me: Well, you cater to their wants a hundred percent of the time, sure, they are going to have the upper hand in the house, not the parents.

Joan: I don’t know…

Me: Of course they do. They do whatever they want, any time they want. What did Sally ask for her birthday last month?

Joan: Well, I got her a new cell phone, X box, and Wii, and she has no interest in any thing except the cell phone, which she is always using, talking and texting to her friends, even when I am trying to talk to her. (pours herself another cup of coffee)

Me: Whoa, then why did you buy her all those things?

Joan: I wanted to see her happy and to have her like me. If I didn’t get all of that for her, she would hate me.

Me: Joan, you are not ready to have children if that is your attitude towards parenthood. (Joan doesn’t look at me; she looks down at the table instead)

Joan: Every other parent does the same thing. I have spoken to them. They never say no to their children for anything. I do mean never.

Me: Joan, you are going to have to start parenting, if it is not too late. It looks like you started with a wide open funnel. If you tighten it now, there is little chance that you will have any control over your three children. Look at you. You are worn out, an exhausted mess, at twenty-four years old. You must have been very young when you had Sally.

Joan: I was. Sixteen years old and in love with a boy in my class. Said he’d love me forever but only if I’d sleep with him.

Me: What happened?

Joan: As soon as he learned I was pregnant, he disappeared from my life and from the school. He ditched the local system and left. I was all alone and wanted to keep the baby. Boy was I naive back then! Then I met Richard and we had two beautiful kids together. Richard still treats Sally as his own firstborn child.

Me: That’s wonderful for you, Joan, but what about the house and kids? Doesn’t he help out ever?

Joan: No. He is always tired when he gets home. As for myself, being a stay at home mother is not all that I thought it would be.

Me: So you’re saying that staying at home with the kids has not been glamorous for you?

Joan: Nope, not at all. (she sighs) You haven’t told me anything about yourself lately. How have you and Peter been? (looks at me wistfully, wishing she looked as refreshed as I did.)

Me: We are doing well, thank you. Joan, I’m concerned about you. I’ve known you since high school. I wish you’d get some help, whether it hired help or even a nanny.

Joan: I took on too big of a load. I wish I didn’t but I was too young to know what I was doing. I thought I was in love but look at what happened.

Me: Maybe you should set aside some time for yourself.

Joan: I can’t, not with three kids. I love them all, but they take so much out of me. I’m surprised I can wake up some days at all but I have to get them ready for school.

Me: It sounds like you made the decision to have children when you really didn’t want them.

Joan: What you do you mean?

Me: Didn’t you have kids because everyone else was doing the same thing?

Joan: I really don’t know. Like I said, I love the kids.

Me: Joan, if you are saying that the only reason you had your kids is because you love them - it’s not a reason at all. What you are telling me is that you love your kids after you had them. But in reality, you had no legitimate reason to have children to begin with.

Joan: (shakes her head, unable to comment on what I just said)

To be continued.