Pendragons Princess

Joan and I are now sitting in her living room, which has several stains on the pale beige carpet. The blue velvet sofa and matching armchair are covered in plastic to protect the fabric. We continue to drink coffee. Joan finally speaks as she moves some old tatting needles to the coffee table from the sofa.

Joan: I used to tat, but not anymore with the three kids in the house. I made a set of placemats for my parents’ thirtieth wedding anniversary.

Me: What do you do when you have a few minutes to yourself?

Joan: (laughing) Try to stay awake long enough to do some housework. Even then, that does not always get done.

Me: I want to go back to something I asked you earlier, Joan. I know your daughter was unplanned, but what about Ricky and Bobby? Were they planned children or not?

Joan: Not really. The only reason we had children was because that’s how I was raised - get married once I turn twenty, have children, take care of the house and husband, and that was it. (Note: Joan married at the tender age of seventeen)

Me: Weren’t you aware that other opportunities existed?

Joan: Not for me they didn’t. My mother married at sixteen, never finished high school, and her mother never even went to high school and was married at fifteen. I don’t think they even knew about college back then.

Me: Well, as you know my mother is a college graduate and even got her Master’s degree in education. Putting that aside for a moment, have you done any research into other lifetime opportunities?

Joan: I really haven’t had the time. I’d go to college if I could afford it but what would I major in? I received average rades in high school and by the time I was pregnant with my daughter, the grades went downhill, though I managed to graduate. Like I mentioned, I had a few interests, one which was tatting, but now, I just have no life at all. My children are my life.

Me: OK, I understand that you were socialized into early marriage and children. You said you love your children. Do they really bring as much joy to you as society claims they do?

Joan: (shaking her head) Not always. Oh, sometimes they do things that make me proud of them. But as for a real, deep inner joy, no. It’s funny, when Richard and I were dating, I actually had that feeling back then. But that’s because I loved him so much. I still love him but the children do get in the way sometimes.

Me: Your children interfere with you having a deep relationship with Richard?

Joan: (nodding her head) The emotional intimacy is gone. The kids require all of my attention now. You know what, sometimes I envy the relationship you have with your husband. (I reach out to gently touch her hand) I’m lucky if Richard kisses mw ehn he gets home from work now.

Me: Well, we knew what we wanted to maintain in our marriage. Yes, we still have that spark just as we did before we married.

Joan: (smiling a little) I just wish I had had a choice like you and your husband did.

Me: Didn’t you have that same choice when you married?

Joan: I didn’t think there was one, in all honesty. We just did what everyone else was doing at the time. But what made you decide to not have kids?

Me: Well, we put thought into it. My husband is still paying tuition bills, as am I. Plus, we consider our relationship perfect, without children.

Joan: I guess it’s too late to make that sort of decision. The only thing I can say is, Richard and I did make the decision not to have any more children. Raising children just is not glamorous to me.

Me: Joan, it’s what you choose that will affect you. I appreciate your candor about your relationship with your kids.

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There you have it, Folks. Joan is a sheep - one who follows what the rest of the herd are doing - while my husband and I are - what are we? - very much in love with a wonderfully close relationship and able to spend all of our time with each other.